Anecdote #5: Parent Fail
Competition Breeds Resentment
It all started out harmlessly enough. Rachel and I were proud parents of two – the “rich man’s family” even: a firstborn son and a beautiful daughter. What’s more, they were both recently out of diapers and life was beginning to slow down a bit.
Then the news broke: Rachel was pregnant for a third time. The due date was set for mid-July 2015. Amid our joy and expectation, somewhere along the line I came up with the harebrained idea to encourage competition between our two kids (ages 3 and 2 mind you). For about two months – 12 weeks to the 20-week ultrasound – we joked about which one of them would “win.”
Would Ben get a brother? (Sidenote: I think I’d finally convinced Rachel to name our second son Ezekiel). Or would Kirsten get a sister? I foolishly stoked the competitive juices in the minds of these poor, cognitively undeveloped toddlers.
I’m not a rocket scientist. I’m also not the dumbest guy around. But even with my “above average” intelligence, I can honestly say it didn’t cross my mind how damaging this exercise would be in the end.
Halfway through the pregnancy, Rachel and I went to our local hospital to get an in-depth ultrasound and find out the baby’s gender. We were thrilled to find out that Rachel was carrying a baby girl!
As I plopped into the driver’s seat of our gray Buick Rendezvous, I looked in the rearview mirror, saw the empty car seats in the back and began to wonder…how are they going to react when we give them the news? What effect will this small-scale “gender reveal” have on our preschoolers?
Sure enough, we walked into our kitchen ten minutes later, announced the results of our appointment, and watched our son throw himself on the floor in disappointment and abject misery.1 A moment that should have been one of mutual joy and shared excitement was ruined by my immaturity and lack of foresight.
Now, a wise and proactive father would have prepared his children for either outcome, focusing only on the positives of each. Not this idiot. I figured it out the hard way. I also learned that competition between siblings – in general – often does more harm than good.
The old adage “competition breeds excellence” holds true in many contexts, but it’s not helpful to provoke our children this way. Sibling rivalry is already built-in, so other than “just-for-fun” competitions (e.g. “March Madness” brackets) or occasional incentivizing for something like household chores, it’s wise to steer clear of this kind of conflict.
Children who grow up in the same home, even if they come from the same gene pool, possess unique and diverse gifts. Instead of creating an atmosphere of competition – whether in academics, athletics, or some other area – parents should develop a culture of support and reciprocal celebration.
Families that run on internal competition can produce teens and eventually adults who harbor resentment. But when parents, brothers, and sisters are each other’s biggest “cheerleaders,” joy, confidence, and positivity overflow!
Thankfully, ten years later, Ben absolutely loves his little sister!